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Function of Family

There is no doubt that family plays a central role in a child’s development. According to developmental researcher Kathleen Berger and Tzipi Weiss, the family serves five key functions, which are often represented as a pyramid. At the base are the most basic needs—such as providing food, clothing, and shelter—which most families are able to meet. However, as we move higher up the pyramid, the functions become more complex and developmentally significant, highlighting the family’s role in supporting a child’s physical, cognitive, and socioemotional growth. While basic survival needs are essential, it is equally important to recognize that family influences everything from emotional security and learning opportunities to socialization and identity formation.

Figure 9.1.1. Five functions of family.

Different Parenting Styles

Parents play a crucial role in children’s development and many researchers have been interested in exploring various parenting styles. Keep in mind that most parents do not follow any model completely. Real people tend to fall somewhere in between these styles. Moreover, sometimes, parenting styles change from one child to the next or in times when the parent has more or less time and energy for parenting. Parenting styles can also be affected by concerns the parent has in other areas of their life. For example, parenting styles tend to become more authoritarian when parents are tired and perhaps more authoritative when they are more energetic. Sometimes parents seem to change their parenting approach when others are around, maybe because they become more self-conscious as parents or are concerned with giving others the impression that they are a “tough” parent or an “easy-going” parent. Of course, parenting styles may reflect the type of parenting someone saw modeled while growing up.

Baumrind’s Parenting Styles

Baumrind (1971) offers a model of parenting that includes three styles. In 1983, Maccoby and Martin modified this model, and it has become one of the most commonly referenced models for describing patterns of parenting. The current model is comprised of two components of parenting: the parent’s responsiveness and the parent’s demandingness. Responsiveness is the connection that the parent facilitates through love, affection, warmth, and support. Unresponsive parents may ignore a child’s need for connection or even reject the child. Demandingness is the parent’s control and management of the child’s behavior; this includes setting expectations, limits, and enforcing consequences. The combination of these two parenting behaviors defines the parenting style.

Figure 9.1.2. Baumrind’s parenting styles.

The first, the uninvolved (or neglectful) parenting style. These parents are low on responsiveness and often disengaged from their children. They are also low on demandingness, with little control over their children’s behavior. As a result, their children can be withdrawn, non-compliant, aggressive, and have insecure attachments to others. They suffer in school and in their relationships with their peers (Gecas & Self, 1991).

The permissive parent is highly responsive but lacks control. These parents are warm and communicative but provide little structure for their children. They may act as a friend to their child rather than an authority figure. Children are allowed to make their own rules and determine their activities.  Children may fail to learn self-discipline and be relatively immature. They have low social competence and may feel somewhat insecure because they do not know the limits. These children may also be demanding, rebellious, and aggressive.

The authoritarian parent is low on responsiveness and high on demandingness. This parent makes the rules, and the children are expected to be obedient. Baumrind suggests that authoritarian parents tend to place maturity demands on their children that are unreasonably high and tend to be aloof and distant. Consequently, children reared in this way may fear rather than respect their parents and, because their parents do not allow discussion, may take out their frustrations on safer targets – perhaps as bullies toward peers. These children tend to have lower self-control and are less independent. They also may be more aggressive, resistant to correction, or anxious.

Finally, the authoritative parent is responsive and reasonably in control. Parents allow negotiation where appropriate and discipline matches the severity of the offense. As a result, their children are friendly, socially competent, confident, self-reliant, cooperative, successful, and happy (Chao, 2001; Stewart and Bond, 2002).

Lemasters and Defrain (1989) offered yet another model of parenting. This model is interesting because it looks more closely at the motivations of the parent and suggests that parenting styles are often designed to meet the psychological needs of the parent rather than the developmental needs of the child.

The martyr is a parent who will do anything for the child, even tasks that the child should do for himself or herself. All of the good deeds performed for the child, in the name of being a “good parent,” may be used later should the parent want to gain compliance from the child. If a child goes against the parent’s wishes, the parent can remind the child of all of the times the parent helped the child and evoke a feeling of guilt so that the child will do what the parent wants. The child learns to be dependent and manipulative as a result.

The pal is like the permissive parent described in Baumrind’s model above. The pal wants to be the child’s friend. Perhaps the parent is lonely, or perhaps the parent is trying to win a popularity contest against an ex-spouse. Pals let children do what they want and focus most on being entertaining and fun. They set few limitations. Consequently, the child may have little self-discipline and may try to test limits with others.

The police officer/drill sergeant style of parenting is similar to the authoritarian parent described above. The parent focuses primarily on making sure that the child is obedient and that the parent has full control of the child. Sometimes this can be taken to extremes by giving the child tasks that are really designed to check on their level of obedience. For example, the parent may require that the child fold the clothes and place items back in the drawer in a particular way. If not, the child might be scolded or punished for not doing things “right.” This type of parent has a very difficult time allowing the child to grow and learn to make decisions independently. Furthermore, the child may have much resentment toward the parent that is displaced on others.

The teacher-counselor parent is one who pays much attention to expert advice on parenting and who believes that as long as all of the steps are followed, the parent can rear a perfect child. “What is wrong with that?” you might ask. There are two major problems with this approach. First, the parent is taking all of the responsibility for the child’s behavior, at least indirectly. If the child has difficulty, the parent feels responsible and thinks that the solution lies in reading more advice and trying more diligently to follow that advice. Parents can certainly influence children, but thinking that the parent is fully responsible for the child’s outcome is faulty. A parent can only do so much and can never have full control over the child. Another problem with this approach is that the child may get an unrealistic sense of the world and what can be expected from others. For example, if a teacher-counselor parent decides to help the child build self-esteem and has read that telling the child how special he or she is or how important it is to compliment the child on a job well done, the parent may convey the message that everything the child does is exceptional or extraordinary. A child may come to expect that all of his efforts warrant praise, and in the real world, this is not something one can expect. Perhaps children get more of a sense of pride from assessing their performance than from having others praise their efforts.

So what is left? Lemasters and Defrain (1989) suggest that the athletic coach style of parenting is best. The principles of coaching are what are important to Lemasters and Defrain. A coach helps players form strategies, supports their efforts, gives feedback on what went right and what went wrong, and stands at the sideline while the players perform. Coaches and referees make sure that the rules of the game are followed and that all players adhere to those rules.

Similarly, the athletic coach as a parent helps the child understand what needs to happen in certain situations, whether in friendships, school, or home life, and encourages and advises the child about how to manage these situations. The parent does not intervene or do things for the child. Instead, the parent’s role is to guide while the child learns first hand how to handle these situations. The rules for behavior are consistent and objective and presented in that way. So, a child who is late for dinner might hear the parent respond in this way, “Dinner was at six o’clock.”  Rather than, “You know good and well that we always eat at six. If you expect me to get up and make something for you now, you have got another thing coming! Just who do you think you are showing up late and looking for food? You’re grounded until further notice!”

The most important thing to remember about parenting is that parents can always improve. They can practice being more objective. They can learn about what is reasonable to expect of a child and their stage of development. They can recognize their own needs and limitations. Parenting is more difficult when parents have physical or psychological needs that interfere with decision making. Some of the best advice for parents is to try not to take the child’s actions personally, and be as objective as possible.